Remember what i said in chapter-1 The Cost Of Surprise You know what Areesha. I have realized this. It took me a lot time. But now i have understood it completely. That it's just me. I am not a person anymore. I am a problem. All my life i was pointing fingers towards others. Every single bad thing that ever happened to me, i accused others. It took me half a life to understand. I was looking at life the wrong way. There is only one common variable in every equation that went south. It's me. I was the problem. I was the reason. Only i was culpable for every single thing that happened to me. Either it was the people leaving me or were the failures one after the other. It was always me. I ruined every single thing that was ever precious to me. It was not 'Jag nay chheena mujh say, mujhe jo bhi laga pyaara' It was me who destroyed it. Something is wrong with me that can never be fixed. Maybe social isolation for this long has pushed me to the edges that now the idea of human emotion is alien to me. i dont know what it is. i dont know how can it be explained. you know what, even this time. i knew what i was doing. i knew you would be devasted. i knew you would be hurt. i kind of knew that the mess i am creating even i would never be able to fix it. But i still did it. I had two things in mind. One was you wouldnt be surprised if everything is fine between us. So i had to create some sort of moral dilemma. I just had to make you to think for a while that i was a bad person. Only when you were convinced i am a bad person, only then i would pull up the hero card and i would make you super happy. Fundamentally that's how the human behaviour works. To feel a high you need to be in a state of low. You need to be on a low speed to feel the acceleration otherwise everything just would feel like normal. Secondly, maybe i am narcissistic. I want adventures at the expense of human emotions. I want to feel like i am in control. And thats why i don't like normal stuff. Maybe thats why i want to be liked and appreciated with passion. And that i was not getting for couple of months from you. You were giving me zero attention. So i just had to take it from you. I thought maybe pranking you would be fun. And you would love me even more and i would be centre of attention again. These were my intentions. Remember when i started this off, i stopped. Because at that exact moment. I remembered what you once said to me. You said, " Raza if you keep joking always, no one will take you seriously" that was the wisest advice anyone has ever given to me. That was the day i fixed myself. And i was all seirous to you. I would joke around. But i never crossed the limit. i used to do this maryam a lot. Every single day i would come and tel her absolute insane shit like i have cancer, i got into accident. I have this. I have that. Only because i wanted attention and loved which i would not get otherwise. And i found these pranks the only source of my dopamine. Because nobody cares unless you are wrong or dead. So i used to pull these cards. Maybe in her story, i was the bad guy. I was the toxic guy. and no wonder she left me anyone would. No one wants to date a feral psycopath to whom feelings are just a part of joke. But you know what when you are in love. You are supposed to shelter each other. You are supposed to understand each other. Thats how a relationship works. One person messes up and the other one fixes it. They dont just go around and leave. Because they might never get it again. This time i knew, the kind of prank im pulling off. the idea i am incorporating in your head. Once it is installed, there will be no way back. But i just let that happened. I dont know why. Maybe the toxic raza just wanted to see how bad this could go wrong. He just wanted to see that high again. I dont know how to fix this now. And right now i dont even know what is going on in your head. I dont know how to convince you that i am not the person i pretended i am. I am not that person. I am not a cheater. Let me tell you. Rewind all of that chat again. Tell me where did i use the word "She" i kept it double way because you know how good i am with the words. To pull it off and to keep you off guard i needed to make it so real and look how real it really looked. But this is not me. I am going through the worst period of my life. But tell me how many times i have complained that to you? I am physically and mentally in the worst possible shape. But i dont complain anymore. I have messed up this time. And i want to fix this. And only way to fix it is to let it out. Let it all out whatever is in your head. Every single thought it is, just let it come to your tongue. I want to hear. And i want to fix what is broken. I know thismight take a longtime to heal but i really am ready. But trust me i have zero energy. All this time i am trying and trying. But i am so close to giving up trust me. I dont have that temperament left in my anymore. The world has tested me a lot. If you still don't get normal and we get back to the way we used to be. I am done here. Beacuse there is nothing more i can do. I am seriously so tired. And i want a long rest. In the last i would just say. I know i am a bad person. But i want you accept me the way i am because i miss you. You are all i have. You are all i want.